It Changes Everything
by Ellixer
Summary: Set at some point after The Quest. A first time story. I own the words but not the characters or show.


It crept up on me, like an assassin lurking in the shadows and striking when I least expect. Why it came to me? Her death. How? I was writing when I found myself confessing on parchment. My hand was writing words that I didn't even realize were already etched in my heart. As I read it over and over, things became clear for me, in a murky sort of way.

*Why do I follow her so blindly? Because there is no one else on this earth that I would die for; and I would do so a thousand times over just to stand by her side. My love for her is unending, unyielding, and stronger than any I've ever known.*

In these words, my confession lies. What to do with this newfound realization? Try to push it away, or do I confess? But really, did I not realize this before? Looking up across the fire, I find Xena sitting on her bedroll, eyes analyzing me. How long has she been awake?

'I thought you were sleeping?' I try to wipe any emotion from my face; a monumental task.

'Your thinking woke me up.' There's a tinge of humor to her voice, but it doesn't show in her expression.

'Sorry.' I avoid her gaze; focusing on my scroll again as if deep in thought. I can feel her eyes on me though.

'Are you going to tell me?' Why is she so interested now? Usually she avoids deep conversations, especially when she can be sleeping. 'Gabrielle.' There's a tone to her voice suggesting she's not going to let it go. I give in.

'Have you ever just suddenly realized something and it changes your whole world in an instant?' I finally manage to look at her. Her eyes burn like a predators; ready to pounce any moment.

'What is it you've realized?' Her voice is neutral but I can detect her subtle changes. She's afraid of what I might say.

'But it will change everything for you.' Should I have admitted even this little fact?

'Good or bad?' She asks, refusing to back out of this conversation. I can see her body tense like she's preparing for a punch.

'I don't know.' How can I? She looks down, away from me for a moment. I feel like I'm hurting her and I haven't even said anything yet. Her head raises, and so do her eyes.

'Tell me.' But I'm not sure I can. She watches as I stand, making my way around the fire to where she sits. I hold out the scroll and confusion blossoms on her face.

'Read it.' I urge as anxiety builds up inside me. I feel like I'm going to throw up. She eyes me suspiciously as she takes the parchment. I can't stand here while she reads it, it's too much.

As soon as the scroll is out of my hands I head into the forest. Just a few yards in there is a river that I manage to find my way to in the darkness. As I sit on the cold bank, I can only hope no animals decide to wander my way. I don't exactly have any weapons on me.

The moon is shining like a gem off the rushing water. What will she do with the information I've just given her? Could she hate me for feelings I have no control over? No, but maybe she will find she can no longer travel with me.

Away from the fire the coldness of the night is beginning to get to me. Should I just give in and go back; accept the fate that will be handed to me? No, not yet; I'm just not ready and the fear is beginning to overwhelm me.

'You shouldn't bite your nails.' Her voice is deep and gravely.

'I'm not.' I wasn't really. She sighs, sitting down next to me, arms wrapped around her knees.

'You know, it's warmer by the fire.' She nudges me with her elbow, gives me a grin.

'I'm fine.' I'm shivering and I know she can tell.

'Come on.' She stands, offering her hand to me.

I don't know what's going through her head, is she even going to acknowledge my words? It's probably better that way; maybe we can go on like nothing has happened. Grabbing her hand I stand, but I drop it as soon as I'm on my feet. She follows me back to camp silently; wrapping a fur around my shoulders when we sit once more in front of the flames.

'What are you afraid of?' She finally asks, eyes focused elsewhere as if there's something important in the trees.

'I don't want to lose my best friend.'

'You could never lose that.' She exclaims, eyes focusing intently on me. 'Gabrielle.' She sounds breathless as she speaks. 'You are the most important thing in my life.' She grabs my hands, squeezing them in hers. 'I love you, you know that.' I'm not sure she gets it. I pull the fur tighter around my shoulders.

'It's more than that.' Where have my eloquent words gone? 'If I could be with you and only you for the rest of my life; there is little else I could ever need.' I watch her brow furrow. 'Xena, I'm not asking for anything from you.' Her face becomes a blank slate once more. No more words are spoken for a time. The fire cracks and pops; the insects sing. We just sit, waiting for something to happen.

'Xena, tell me what you're thinking.' Usually when I ask this, she rolls her eyes and sighs at me.

'I'm thinking of ways to convince you that I don't want you.'

'And?' I swallow hard, my heart in my throat.

'I'm having a hard time convincing myself.' She turns toward me, and for a second she looks vulnerable; but just for a second. 'I can't say I don't love you because I do.' She reaches over, the back of her hand caressing my cheek. 'If it wasn't for everything we've been through; everything you've taught me about love…' Her hand drops, eyes avert back towards the fire. 'It would be so much easier to turn you away.'

'Then don't.'

'It's not that simple.' The softness is gone in her voice.

'But you love me too?' Am I hearing her right?

'How could I not.' Her eyes burn into me, piercing my soul.

'Xena, we fight God's and monsters. We die and crawl our way back to the living. But loving me is too hard?'

'Yes.' She hisses between her teeth. 'It's too hard for _me_.' Tears begin to form in her eyes. 'You are my biggest weakness and everyone knows it.' I wipe away the tears that stray down her cheek. She swallows deeply, trying to regain control, to become the strong stoic warrior again.

'How will ignoring your feelings change any of that?' It won't, and she knows it. Her fears run deeper than she's willing to tell.

'Xena, when you died…..' The pain resurfaces, gripping my chest in a vice. 'We may never have another chance. This moment may be all we have.' My fingertips touch her cheek, urging her to look at me. As her eyes meet mine, I know I don't have to convince her anymore. She presses her cheek into my palm; so many defenses dropping in this one act. I find myself leaning in close, drawn in by her vulnerability. My nose is nearly touching hers, our breath mingling.

'Gabrielle.' She whispers my name as if a question. I search her face, looking for a reason to stop. I find none.

My lips meet hers. It's nothing special, just a soft caress of mouth against mouth. I'm completely unsure of what I'm doing, petrified even; but I can't help myself. My lips part and her tongue delves in ever so slightly; once, twice, then she hesitates no more. Her tongue makes a slow glide across mine. I didn't know so much could be felt in one kiss. There was a spark of it when she kissed me before, but this feels so much more.

I pull away breathless, looking up into her sparkling blue eyes. I'm at a loss for words to describe how I feel. My heart is trying to beat itself out of my chest, and my brain is barely staying coherent. There's something about the look she's giving me right now that is only worsening my condition.

Her fingers dance on my cheek and down my neck; she looks lost in the very act of touching me. She slowly begins to lean forward; hand on my chest, pushing me back against the furs. I find myself under her, looking up at a face awash in lust. I'm mesmerized by her beauty, and by the fact that she can possibly feel this way towards me.

'Tell me to stop.' She pleads.

'No.' I can't possibly bring myself to do that.

'I don't want to hurt you.'

'Then don't stop.' Her eyes search mine a moment longer, then she's dipping her head low kissing me once again. It's so soft and tender and everything I never thought it would be. My fingers cling to her back, digging into the leather. She spends an eternity kissing me, soft and delicate, body pressing against mine. I can do nothing but get lost in her lips.

Her hand wanders to my top, slowly pulling the strings that lace it up. She begins to wander down my neck; soft wet kisses causing goosebumps to form in their wake. She pulls my top apart kissing the skin as it becomes exposed. Each act she performs is as if she is paying tribute to some God; but it's just me.

God's; her lips on my flesh is nearly overwhelming. I already have more in a few minutes than I did a whole night with Perdicus. What does that mean then?

Her tongue delves into my navel, driving me back to distraction. Her hands are tugging on my skirt in a slow tortuous movement. Her mouth is focused on every possible inch of skin that covers my body. I lift my hips unconsciously as she pulls the fabric from my body, discarding it who knows where. In this moment, I have the clarity to look down at her.

She's so focused on me that she doesn't seem to notice I'm looking at her. I feel a moment of unease, uncertainty in allowing her to know my body so intimately. She begins to kiss the inside of my thigh, urging my legs farther apart. Just as she reaches the apex of my thighs, she looks up. Our eyes meet and there's such a feral glimmer there it's almost scary. Her mouth descends upon me and I can't focus anymore.

As I feel my head fall back, she's eliciting moans and groans from me that I can't hold in. Her tongue feels delicious as she licks up and down. I didn't know it could feel like this. Does it get better?

It's as if she can read my mind, her tongue delving in at the finish of my thought. Her hands are grasping my hips, holding me down as I feel my body push up into her. My fingers curls into her hair, I'm pushing her down against me desperate for more. My body feels like it's burning from the inside out; the fire getting stronger and hotter with each passing second.

She removes her mouth and reality comes crashing down on me for a moment. She hovers above me, lips wet from my own bodily juices. My lungs are gasping for air, my heart beating till it breaks apart. Her head dips down, tongue dancing devilishly across my lips before I receive a crushing kiss.

Her fingers push into me at the same time. My body feels like it's exploding, I can't see for a moment as I fall apart. I have no idea how long this last, time is lost on me. As my senses come back to me, so does this overwhelming need to cry; I don't even know why. As the world comes back, I'm sobbing into Xena's neck. I'm embarrassed and confused and I can't even begin to guess what Xena must be thinking of me.

She gathers my naked, trembling body into her strong arms, whispering soothing words into my ear as we lie side by side. I cling to her as I try to regain control of myself. I didn't know I could feel so many things in one moment. I look at the word Love with brand new eyes.

'I'm sorry.' I manage to mumble into her neck.

'For what?' She pulls away from me, looking at me with such concern.

'I don't know what came over me.' I'm wiping at my nose and she's wiping at my tears.

'Gabrielle, don't ever be sorry for feeling something.' She smiles at me. 'I admit I've never made someone cry before. You don't regret…' She trails off, afraid to even finish her own question.

'God's no. I just…' How do I explain the intensity? 'I've never felt so much before; I didn't think it was possible.' I can feel myself blushing, I can't stop it.

'I didn't either.' She looks at me with sincerity, her voice soft in her admittance.

'Really?' I find it hard to believe that at sometime in her vast experience she didn't feel this before now.

'Really.' Her fingers come up, pushing strands of hair off my forehead.

'I love you.' The only words I can find to express my feeling, yet they don't feel near worthy enough. She smiles, kissing my lips softly.

'You're the best thing in my life.'


End file.
